The Crucial Cs

This is material that I learned in a training from KC Play Therapy Institute. It is adapted from Terry Kottman, Ph. D., RPT-S, NCC, LMHC

I give this handout to almost every parent and teacher I work with. I find it is often a "game changer" for how they work with a child.

In order to SURVIVE and FLOURISH, children must master each of the Crucial Cs.

COURAGE - children need courage - the willingness to face life's tasks and take risks even when they do not know if they can succeed. Children with courage feel hopeful. They are willing to take risks and believe they can handle challenging situations. They are resilient.

Children who do not have courage feel inferior to others and inadequate. They do not take risks and tend to give up without trying. They frequently avoid challenges.

CONNECT - children need to connect with others. Those who do connect with others, feel secure, are able to cooperate, and can reach out and make friends. They believe they belong.

Children who do not have the skills necessary to connect will feel isolated and insecure. They make seek attention (usually negative, self-distructive ways) in order to feel that they have a place in the group or family.

CAPABLE - children need to feel that they are are competent and capable of caring for themselves. Those who do feel capable, have a sense of competence, self-control, and self-discipline. They are self-reliant and assume responsibility for themselves and for their behavior. They believe they can do whatever they set their minds to doing.

Children, who do not feel capable, frequently feel inadequate and frequently try to control others or let others know that they cannot be controlled. They frequently become dependent on others or seek to overpower others.

COUNT - children need to feel they are significant - that they count. Those who feel that they count believe that they make a difference in the world and that they can contribute in some way to others around them. They feel valuable and valued, and they believe that they matter.

Children who do not feel as though they count feel insignificant. This belief is painful to them, and they may; react to their feelings of hurt by trying to hurt others. Many children who feel that they don't count develop poor self-esteem and may give up, try to intimidate others, or overcompensate by acting superior. Other children feel that they count only "if" - their sense of significance is conditional.

 

So, where is your child's weak point?  When they act out, is it to prove that they count or trying to connect?  If you can find these areas of need, then you can be intentional to build them up and help them to see themselves having all 4 of the Crucial Cs. 

Top 10 Reasons Parents Give for Not taking their Children to Counseling

I hear many reasons from parents about why they had such a hard time coming to counseling or approaching a therapist.  As a parent myself, I understand these and have often felt them.  However, also, as a parent, I have to put aside my own fears and stigmas and do what is best for my child. 

Here are the top 10 reasons I hear for not going to counseling:

10. Only really emotionally disturbed people go to counseling
     Truth - Counseling is for everyone, even counselors.  The purpose of a counselor is to help their client achieve their goals.  All of us have goals and when we have an advocate to partner with us on those goals, we can achieve them quicker and easier.

9. Counseling is too expensive
     Truth - Yes, some counseling is expensive, but not all counseling has to be.  Some insurance plans cover mental health, but if yours does not, you still have options.  You can ask different counselors for their rates.  Many counselors work off a sliding scale that is based on income.  As an intern therapist (which are Master's level students working on their licensure), I often saw clients for $10 an hour.   

8. I can't take off work every week to take my child to counseling
     Truth - As a family therapist, I strongly value the family being present for sessions.  Many family therapists and child therapists feel this way also.  I work evening hours just for this reason.  I also travel to pre-schools or other schools to see the child there so the parent does not have to leave work and bring the child to my office.  Many counseling agencies also provide these services. 

7. I don't want my child to think there is something wrong with them
     Truth - I'm going to be honest with this one.  Most kids already know that something is not right, or that something different is going on.  The relief that I witness in a child when they know their parent has validated these feelings and made the child's wellness a priority is amazing.  Often times, this is the beginning of healing for many children.  When we as parents deny that something is going on, we hinder our child from growing and continue to allow the issues to occur.

6. I can fix it myself
     Truth - Yes, there are a lot of things that a parent can do to help their child.  But, there are also things that 1) you might not know how to do and 2) your child is going to hear and respond better to someone that is not their parent...especially teenagers. 

5. It really isn't that bad, plenty of kids act worse
     Truth - There are all levels of severity that I see in my office.  I even see children for preventative work.  A child (or adult) does not have to be at a certain level of "badness" to go to counseling.  If there are things that are negatively influencing the child or family, a counselor can help.

4. He/She is too young to go
     Truth - As a play therapist, I have training in infant and toddler counseling.  I also work with foster families and adopted children.  Research has shown that the earlier an issue is presented and worked on in counseling, the better long term results that occur.  The longer a child has to develop bad habits, low self-esteem, negative coping skills, etc. the harder they are to correct.

 

3. I don't want my child to have a diagnosis or label that will follow them around
     Truth - If you use your insurance to pay for counseling your child will most likely have to be given a diagnosis so that insurance will see the counseling as medically necessary.  However, if you look around you will be able to find counselors that do not bill through insurance and do not have to give a diagnosis to a young child. 

2. I don't know who to go to
    Truth - Unfortunately, this one does not have an easy answer.  It takes some digging and time to find the best counselor for your child.  There are many different types of counselors, all with unique personalities.  This allows for all children to be able to have a counselor out there that fits with their personality and needs.  You can look online for a list of Registered Play Therapist here. You can also check with your child's school counselor or school professionals on who they would recommend in your area.

1. I am just plain uncomfortable with the idea of counseling and somebody telling me how to raise my child.
     Truth - It is okay to be uncomfortable and to have your guard up when starting counseling.  You will need your "mommy radar" or "daddy radar" to help you know if you are finding the right counselor for your child.  Ask a ton of questions and do your research.  Also, if you are with a good counselor, they will not tell you how to raise your child, but rather give you option and new ideas that you can choose to try.  A counselor is there to be your partner, helper, and advocate for your child and family.  They are not their to condemn you or make you feel like a bad parent.  A great counselor will help build you up so that you can be the best parent you can be for your child.

It doesn't hurt to check your options and see what is out there for your child.  You might be surprised at all of the resources that are available.  Also, if you are in my area, feel free to schedule a free interview/consultation.  I offer a free 30 minute time to families that are unsure if counseling is a good fit for them.  They can come in and hear more about what counseling I offer and see if their child could benefit or not.  I find this gives parents the opportunity to "test the waters" without having to make a commitment right away.

Car Survival Kit

Do your kids struggle with getting along in the car?  Is the car usually the first place that things "erupt"?  Do you dread having to drive your kids somewhere because you know they will get into a fight? 

You are not alone!  So many of my parents come to my office with stories about their car rides to school, home from school, and even to my office.  We have worked together to come up with a Car Survival Kit to help keep the peace in your car.

You might want to tailor it to fit your family, but here is the general template:

• A small plastic box with a lid

• Small notepads and pencils for each child (great for writing down their issues rather than yelling about them)
• Headphones (don't have to plug into anything but can drown out the sound)
• Peppermints or jolly ranchers (use these as sort of a "time out".  whenever they have one in their mouth they can not speak but are to spend the time calming down)
• Small bottle of 'magic lotion.' (This is the lotion that I use to heal hurts -inside or outside ones- in my office.  It is just lavender scented, sparkly lotion.  If one sibling calls the other a name, then the magic lotion can be used to help them feel better).

• Fidget toys (slinky, tangle, stretchy things, stress balls)
• Markers or crayons to draw about their feelings
• An eye mask or two

I hope this kit helps you and your family from needing to pull the car over and manage an argument as often.  The families that have incorporated this kit have said that the children enjoy car rides now and are even improving on sharing and communicating with each other.

Feel free to add a comment about what you would put in your Car Survival Kit

Approaching Parents

This post is written for teachers to help them gain confidence and feel more prepared when approaching parents about counseling for their child.  The information comes from a handout brochure I created.


The Taboo About Counseling:

Unfortunately, counseling still has a negative stigma attached, and many parents can become offended and defensive when approached by an outsider regarding counseling for their child.  However, many families and children could greatly benefit from counseling and we as professionals should not shy away from sharing this opportunity with families.

 
Many parents do not fully understand what child counseling or family counseling looks like and are therefore resistant.  Parents also worry about the financial stress that comes along with seeing a mental health professional.

How Do You Start:

Schedule a time to meet with the parent that is specifically for this discussion.

 If the parent has a strong, positive relationship with other school staff members, invite them to the meeting.

Be specific about the behaviors that you have seen and when you noticed them.  Be able to show detailed documentation if needed.  Do not speculate or give opinions.  It is very important that you stick to the facts and stay away from negatively labeling the child.  For example, even if you have 5 other children in your class that behave the same way as this child and are diagnosed with ADHD, do not tell these parents that you think their child also has ADHD.  Instead, present the facts and suggest that the child could benefit from an outside, professional opinion and/or testing.

Many parents are naturally going to feel defensive and like you are blaming them.  Work hard to let them know that you are on their side and that you know they want the best for their child.  Remind them that you can be an advocate for their child and family.

Have a specific plan.  Know the resources that your school offers and the different options that are available to parents.  Be able to give them numbers and information of professionals to contact.

What Not To Do:

Don’t assume the parents also see a problem.  Many parents are surprised or caught off guard by the topic of counseling.

Do not lose hope or give up on the family.  Sometimes it takes awhile for parents to come around to the idea, but if you are gently persistent, they often do.

Do not gang up on the family by surrounding them with lots of school officials and staff.  They may feel embarrassed already about counseling and all the extra people will add to their anxiety.

Questions often raised by teachers:

What if a parent does not see the need for counseling or denies that there is a problem?

Unfortunately, we can’t make every parent listen to our concerns.  However, I have found that the more documentation and hard facts you can present them with, along with multiple options, the more responsive they will be.  Sometimes it takes more than one meeting to get a parent on board.  Also, starting the conversation early, before things get too far, is also very helpful.  This helps keep the parent in the loop and keeps them from feeling blindsided.

 What if I talk with the family but they never take action and look into counseling?

You can try having the school counselor get involved and speak with the family.  They are trained in talking with resistant parents and sometimes having an outsider step in keeps you from having to be the “bad guy.”

 What if I think a child could benefit from counseling, but I’m not sure?

You can talk with the school counselor.  They should be able to share with you what behaviors or concerns would be helped through counseling.  If you have a positive relationship with the parents, I suggest asking them what they think.  They might have been wondering the same thing, but needed a second opinion before acting.

 What are the options that I can offer parents?

We are fortunate to be able to have many options for students.  Many schools have small groups that the school counselor conducts and this may be an option to look into.  There are also 504 plans that the school officials can work with the family on putting into place that will allow extra testing time, special testing rooms, etc.  There is also testing that is possible, along with counseling resources outside of the school.  Medication is an option, but one that most doctors would recommend trying after counseling and testing.